


all that's done's forgiven (make my heart a better place)

by OsleyaKomWonkru



Series: The Mistress and her Red Queen [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Blood, Developing Relationship, Dom/sub Undertones, Dominant Niylah, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Flogging, Healing, Post-Episode: s05e02 Red Queen, Self-Harm, Somewhat Healthier Coping Mechanisms, Submissive Octavia Blake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-17 22:07:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18973546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OsleyaKomWonkru/pseuds/OsleyaKomWonkru
Summary: Niylah comes to see Octavia after the farm mutiny and the first fight in the arena. Octavia isn't coping well with the demands of leadership, Niylah proposes a new way forward to help her.“I needed to feel something. Everything I did, everything I asked others to do, everything Imadeothers do, I - it’s too much.”“Do you want to not make decisions anymore?” Niylah asked, an idea beginning to form in her mind.Octavia nodded, eyes filling with tears. “It’s too much.”“Okay. Well, I can’t do anything about the world outside this room, but right here, right now, you don’t have to. Right now you’re free of those burdens.” Niylah cupped Octavia’s face in her hands. “Do you trust me?”





	all that's done's forgiven (make my heart a better place)

**Author's Note:**

> So writing [this 6x02 fix-it](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18755509) made me realize that I'm a big fan of Dominant Niylah, specifically Dominant Niylah stopping Octavia from engaging in her self-destructive habits, so now we head back into the bunker for more of the same, as it were. This will be the first in a short series.
> 
> **Warning:** Aftermath of self-harm before we get to the happier healing parts.
> 
> And yes, I have all sorts of Feelings about episode 6x03 and 6x04, but quickly realized that any attempt to write fix-its here would result in complete canon rewrites for the season, so I'm holding off on those for the time being. But if you want to read my ranting about the episodes, feel free to visit [my Tumblr](https://osleyakomwonkru.tumblr.com).

Niylah prowled the hallways of the bunker, knowing the hour was late, but she couldn’t help but think of how Octavia had looked as she’d left the rotunda after the fight.

Even though she’d saved them all, Octavia looked _defeated._

Niylah couldn’t imagine why, and that’s what brought her to Octavia’s door now. She was sure she wasn’t imagining the soft sobs coming from the other side of it.

Niylah rapped on the door once. _“Okteivia?_ It’s me. It’s _Naila.”_

She knew Octavia didn’t like to show weakness, but the two of them had established a rapport over the past month and a half. They’d saved each other’s lives to get to the bunker. Niylah had also been there for her when she’d turned eighteen, a birthday that had once meant so much to her, but was now overwhelmed with the crushing grief of being separated from her brother.

If Octavia would open up to anyone, it would be her.

But Octavia didn’t come to the door, though the sobs stopped abruptly. Niylah also heard the scraping of furniture on the concrete floor, a rushed pattern of scrapes that made her wonder what on Earth Octavia was up to.

_“Okteivia?”_ Niylah asked again. _“Okteivia,_ I’m worried. I’m coming in.”

Niylah tried the door, and to her relief it was unlocked. Entering the main space of Octavia’s room, she didn’t see her anywhere, though she saw the source of the scraping - the table and chair in the middle of the room, looking as if they’d been hurriedly abandoned, some of Octavia’s papers strewn over it, and on top of them one of her knives.

A knife with very fresh blood on its blade, dripping onto the paper and soaking through into the patterned wooden surface of the table.

Niylah’s gaze shifted to the ensuite bathroom. The door was cracked open and Niylah could hear the water running full blast in the sink.

She crossed the floor quickly, pushing the door open to find Octavia hunched over the sink, scrubbing at her bloodstained skin, scrubbing at the very fresh and open wound on her forearm.

_“Okteivia.”_ Niylah whispered, rushing to her side and taking her wounded arm. “What did you do?”

“I’m sorry.” Octavia’s voice sounded empty. “I tried to save them. I wanted to save them all. But I didn’t. I couldn’t.”

“You did save us.” Niylah said, pulling a towel from the rack and wrapping it around Octavia’s arm. “Some people didn’t want to be saved. But that isn’t your fault. You gave them the choice.”

“It wasn’t enough.”

“It has to be.” Niylah said firmly, tucking the ends of the towel in so it would hold, and spinning Octavia so that they were standing face to face. “I know you never wanted to lead, let alone lead like this. But you’re all that holds Wonkru together. And I know you take that seriously now. But not like this. You can’t do this to yourself.”

“I needed to feel something. Everything I did, everything I asked others to do, everything I _made_ others do, I - it’s too much.”

“Do you want to not make decisions anymore?” Niylah asked, an idea beginning to form in her mind.

Octavia nodded, eyes filling with tears. “It’s too much.”

“Okay. Well, I can’t do anything about the world outside this room, but right here, right now, you don’t have to. Right now you’re free of those burdens.” Niylah cupped Octavia’s face in her hands. “Do you trust me?”

“You know I do.”

“Okay. Good. Put everything else out of your mind and just concentrate on me. Just me. I’m going to give you some simple orders. Do you think you can follow them for me?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. First step, let’s get you cleaned up. Can you take off your clothes please?”

Octavia peeled off her bloodsoaked clothes, dropping them on the floor piece by piece. Niylah recognized them as hers, the same clothes that Octavia had traded for what felt like years ago now, though she knew it was only a few months.

So much had changed in that time.

Niylah took off her own leather jacket, dropping it outside the bathroom door, along with her pants, though she kept her other clothes on. As much as she liked to entertain the idea of being naked with Octavia, she knew the other girl wasn’t in the right frame of mind for _that_ at the moment, though she did notice Octavia’s eyes trail across her bare legs with a vague form of interest.

Niylah filed that interest away for later.

“Okay. Can you step into the shower now, please?”

Octavia went, and Niylah followed behind her, taking the showerhead, setting a good temperature. When the water was good, she ran the spray all over Octavia’s bloodstained skin. She shampooed Octavia’s hair, once, twice, three times, until the water finally ran clear of blood.

Niylah handed Octavia a bar of soap, and she soaped up her own skin, though Niylah took care that Octavia didn’t scrub too hard, just enough to remove the blood, not to hurt herself further. Then Niylah picked up the showerhead again and rinsed the last traces of blood and soap from Octavia’s body.

When they were finished, Niylah handed Octavia a towel so that she could dry off, and grabbed a smaller one for herself to dry off her wet legs and feet.

“Do you have a medkit in here?” Niylah asked.

“Second shelf next to the bed.”

“Okay. Come with me.”

Niylah took Octavia by the hand and led her into the bedroom, sitting her down on the bed and pulling out the medkit, rummaging through it for the right supplies.

“I’m going to clean and stitch up the wound, okay?”

Octavia nodded.

Niylah got to work, cleaning the long cut with antiseptic, closing it with some careful stitches. She cleaned off the rest of Octavia’s arm and wrapped a clean bandage around the injury.

“Okay. That’s done. Now I have a few more orders I would like you to follow tonight. If you don’t want to, or if you want to stop at any time, just say so, and we’ll stop. But I think this could help you. All right?”

“Yeah. All right.”

“Good. Now, please take your towel off and fold it up so that you can kneel on it, right here.” Niylah pointed to the middle of the floor. “I don’t want your knees to hurt. Please kneel there, eyes down, and wait until I’m ready.”

Octavia looked a bit confused, but she nodded and did as Niylah said, kneeling on the towel, hands fidgeting nervously in her lap as she looked at them, waiting for what was to come.

Niylah went back over to her clothes and pulled her pants back on, only removing the belt from its loops first. She weighed it in her hands, running her fingers over the woven leather strands. She pulled off the leather tie holding one end closed, undoing about six inches of the woven pattern, letting the leather strands hang loose. She swatted the ends against her palm, seeing Octavia jump a bit at the sound out of the corner of her eye.

It would do.

She moved back to Octavia, kneeling on the floor in front of her, lifting her chin with one hand, then taking one of Octavia’s hands, bringing it to run over the leather in her other hand.

“It’ll sting for a bit. Maybe even leave a bit of a mark for awhile. But not for long. We can purge you of the pain you’re feeling, but the marks will fade. I’ll be in control and I’ll keep you safe. Much safer than trying to carve the pain out of yourself, mmm?” Niylah raised an eyebrow at Octavia. “Worth a try?”

Octavia nodded before finding her voice again. “Yeah. Do it.”

“If you want me to stop, just say the word and I’ll stop. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good. Now, pull your hair off of your back so that it is out of the way, and we can start.”

Niylah got to her feet, circling around to stand half behind Octavia as she pulled her wet hair over one shoulder. Hefting her belt in her hand, Niylah took a few practice swings, not connecting, though she saw Octavia’s shoulders twitch in anticipation.

On the next swing, Niylah let the ends just barely skim over Octavia’s bare shoulders, and she heard Octavia take in a sharp breath.

“Okay?” Niylah asked.

“Yeah. Keep going.”

The first proper stroke connected with Octavia’s right shoulder blade, and she gasped, spine snapping to attention, eyes wide. Niylah let the second drop on her left, and now Octavia squeezed her eyes shut, fingers digging into her thighs as she bowed her head again.

Niylah paused, unsure of what this reaction meant, waiting for Octavia to guide her.

“Keep going.” Octavia breathed. “Please.”

Niylah obeyed, raining down four more strokes, one after the other, alternating shoulders. The leather left pink marks on Octavia’s pale skin, each subsequent stroke fading more slowly than the last.

She kept going in sets of four, watching all of Octavia’s expressions carefully - when she closed her eyes, when she opened them, how she moved her hands, when she moved from gripping her thighs to bracing her hands on the floor, moving her back into the bite of Niylah’s makeshift flogger.

Niylah saw a few tears drip down Octavia’s cheeks, the way she squeezed her eyes shut a clear indication that she was reaching the emotional catharsis she was looking for. Niylah slowed down the pace, reduced the force of the next strokes, until she was just trailing the ends along Octavia’s reddened shoulders, her heavy breathing evident now without the crack of the leather to hide it.

Setting the belt down, Niylah knelt in front of Octavia again, stroking a finger along her jaw.

“Hey. You with me?” Niylah asked.

Octavia nodded, eyes still closed as her breath started to even out, pulling her hands back into her lap from where they’d been resting on the cold concrete.

When Octavia opened her eyes, Niylah breathed a sigh of relief. The lost empty look that she’d had when Niylah had come in was gone, replaced with one that, while it wasn’t _quite_ at serenity yet, was definitely approaching it.

“Thank you.” Octavia whispered. “That was - I don’t know how to describe it.”

“Did it give you what you were looking for?”

“It did.” Octavia reached out to take one of Niylah’s hands. “Thank you. For being here for me. I… I sometimes forget. That I don’t have to be alone anymore. After Lincoln died, I - I didn’t know who I was. I tried to run from my pain. I tried to escape from it. With Ilian, and - and he died too. But I won the Conclave, and there was this new hope and then today it may have all crumbled again, but - you’ve been there. Through all of it. You’ve been this - this _person_ that just pops up everywhere since Lincoln died, and - and you’ve always helped me. Even when you didn’t know me.”

“You’ve got a good heart. I’ve always seen it. You hold our best interests in your heart, and if I can help make the choices you need to make to keep us alive easier to bear, I’m here for you.”

“You have it, you know that, right?”

“I’m sorry?”

“My heart. It’s yours.” Octavia bit her lip, look turning intense. “If you want it.”

Niylah smiled. “I do.”

“I’m not sure how… all of this…” Octavia gestured to the belt and her kneeling position. “… can fit together with that, but I’m sure we can figure something out.”

“We can. It can be quite simple, really. When you’re in this room, you’re free. Free from your crown, free from the decisions you have to make for our people. You can just be yourself, and let me take care of you. Let me give you what you need. How does that sound?”

“That sounds good.”

“I just need you to promise me that you won’t do _this_ again.” She rested a hand on the bandage around Octavia’s forearm.

“I promise.”

“Good. I know you keep your promises.”

“Can I ask for something?”

“Of course. I always want you tell me what you want, _Okteivia._ Always.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“I think that can be arranged.”

Their lips met, softly at first, but growing more passionate with every second that passed. Octavia broke away first, resting her forehead against Niylah’s, hands running through her blonde hair.

“Something wrong?” Niylah asked.

“Nothing’s wrong.” Octavia smiled. “I think things are finally going to be right.”

Niylah smiled back. “I hope so too. Now, it is late. We should probably get you into bed.”

“Will you stay with me? Please?”

“Of course. I can get you a cool cloth for your shoulders if you want.”

“I’ll do it. You get more comfortable.” Octavia nodded to the bed with a mischievous smile. “I’m starting to feel underdressed.”

Niylah chuckled and helped Octavia to her feet, watching her as she walked off to the bathroom, knowing now that she could. Octavia must have sensed her eyes on her, and turned to look back with a smirk before disappearing through the door.

Stripping off her clothes quickly, Niylah was settling into Octavia’s bed just as she came back into the room, joining her on the bed. Niylah took the cloth from Octavia and ran it softly over the slowly fading lash marks on her shoulders, still hot to the touch. Octavia hissed at the first contact, but relaxed into Niylah’s touch as the cool water soothed her skin.

“How is this feeling?” Niylah asked.

“Good.”

“And this?” Niylah pressed her lips to Octavia’s bare shoulder.

“Even better.” Octavia tried to stifle a yawn, but failed.

“Sounds like someone needs sleep.”

“Probably a good idea. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.”

“Whatever it is, we’ll face it together.” Niylah ran her hands up and down Octavia’s arms, pressing herself to her back and nuzzling her face into her neck. “I’m here for you.”

“I’m here for you too. If there’s anything - you can talk to me.”

“I know.”

Niylah reached over to drop the cloth on the nightstand and flick off the light. Enveloped in darkness, they settled into the pillows, savouring the warmth of their embrace as sleep claimed them.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Forgiven" and "All I Need" by Within Temptation.


End file.
